Oz Never Did Give Nothing to the Tinman
by King in Yellow
Summary: It's bedtime for 3-year old Kasy and Sheki, but the little bandits demand a story before they'll go to sleep. Fortunately Shego knows the true story behind the Wizard of Oz - which sounds both oddly familiar and oddly different at the same time. Kim wanted an additional chapter for revenge, but couldn't think of a good idea. Best Enemies series.
1. We're Off to Sue the Wizard

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki, whose origin I changed. I need to update the chronology on my page to reflect recent stories. This is set after Equinox Carol - at a point where Shego pretty much thinks Wade is scum and before Team Possible II: City in the Sands where he decides to seek professional help. Bego is Joss's robot sister.

**We're Off to Sue the Wizard**

"Story! Story! Story!" two little voices chanted on being told it was time for bed.

"Your turn," Kim reminded Shego.

"I don't know about this. I'm pretty sure it's some kind of extortion – demanding a bribe in order to give us some peace and quiet."

"It's quality time, and it's your turn."

"Fine." The green woman turned to their daughters. "Eemah is coming upstairs in seven minutes. In bed, in your jammies, and teeth brushed or no story – got it?" The twins nodded. "And time starts... Now!" Shego announced clapping her hands. The twins ran for the stairs. "And you," the older woman reminded Kim, "have clean laundry to sort and fold."

"What's in it for me," Kim asked.

"You're as bad as those two little racketeers. I suppose we could make out down here before it's time for story and laundry."

Seven minutes later, in the twin's bedroom, Shego asked, "What story do you want?"

"A long one," Kasy suggested.

Shego chuckled. "I can remember Grandpa George used to read to us from the Oz books. Those could get pretty long."

"Books?" Sheki asked, "There's more than one?"

"Lots," Shego assured them. "There were a lot more stories than just the first one. There were characters like the Princess Ozma, and Jack Pumpkinhead, and the Tik-Tok Man... Maybe I'll see if the library has some of them."

"We want a story now," Sheki pointed out.

"Yeah," her sister echoed. "Do the Wizard of Oz."

Shego thought for a minute. "You may be in luck. One of your Great-great grandparents knew Mr. Baum and-"

"Who's Mr Baum?" Kasy asked.

"He's the man who created Oz. It isn't well known, but the true story of the Wizard of Oz has been handed down in the O'Ceallaigh family for generations. And tonight I'll share it with you."

Two pairs of eyes grew wide with amazement at the promise.

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young woman who always wore a red cloak, and that's why they called her Little Red Riding Hood. She-"

"Oz!" Kasy protested. "You said Oz! Little Red Riding Hood isn't in Oz!"

"Are you sure? This is the real story, the way I got it from Grandpa George."

The little red head hesitated. "I don't think Red Riding Hood is in Oz."

"Well, you're right. I mixed the story up for a minute. She didn't wear a red cloak – she had red hair. Her name was Dorothy Kim Gale – but all her friends just called her Kim. One day Kim was home with her little pet, Rufus, when-"

"I think her dog's name was Toto," Sheki suggested.

"In the movie the dog's name was Toto. In the real story it was Rufus. And he wasn't a dog, he was a naked mole rat. Anyway, Kim and Rufus were in the house when her evil stepbrothers – Tim and Jim – lit up rockets and blew the house high into the air. It traveled half way around the world and came crashing down in the land of Oz where it hit the wicked witch Zita and-"

"It didn't kill her, did it?" Sheki interrupted.

"Of course it killed her," Kasy insisted. "It squished her flat."

"No, not in the real story. But, Oy! It gave her a headache like you wouldn't believe. She had to take two aspirins and go to bed. And the Munchkins... That was who lived in the place Kim landed. The Munchkins were all very happy because they got half a day off work. The wicked witch made them work long and hard – and she didn't pay them time and a half for overtime. She even made them print double-sided to conserve paper. Did you ever hear of anything so wicked?"

"Would that save paper?" Sheki asked.

"Of course it would save paper," Shego agreed. "But what about the poor people who make the paper? If you only use half as much paper you'd have to fire half the workers in your paper factory."

"But-"

"Anyway the Munchkins... They were about as tall as you two, and half of them were named Kasy and half were named Sheki-"

"Were there any boy Munchkins?"

"Of course. But everyone was either named Kasy or Sheki."

"How about Jason and Jessica? Were there any Munchkins named Jason and Jessica?"

Shego looked thoughtful, "No. I believe the Munchkins were all Kasy or Sheki. Now the Winkies – they were all Jason or Jessica."

"Winkies?"

"They got left out of the movie. They're in the books. Anyway, while the Munchkins were throwing a party Kim noticed that the wicked witch had taken off her shoes and she-"

"Why did Zita take off her shoes?"

"Probably because of a bunion, now-"

"What's a bunion?" Kasy demanded.

"It's like an onion," Sheki told her sister.

"Why did it make her take off her shoes?"

"Have you tried wearing a shoe with an onion in it?" Shego asked. "Anyway, Kim saw the shoes – and they were very stylish after you took out the onion, so she took them for herself."

"Hey!" Kim protested from the other room.

"Fold laundry," Shego shouted. "She just stole those shoes. Then the Wicked Witch of the West arrived to see if her sister was okay after being hit by the house. The Wicked Witch of the West was very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. She was the most beautiful wicked witch in the world and her name was Shego. She told Kim to give back the shoes but Kim said 'No. You can't make me,' and stuck out her tongue."

"That's not how the story goes," Kim called.

"I'm telling the story," Shego reminded her. She turned back to the twins. "Dorothy Kim wanted to go back home – even though she had two evil stepbrothers, and she asked the Munchkins if they knew how to get back to Middleton. The Munchkins had no idea, but they said she should go to the Emerald City and ask the very powerful Wizard to help her. His name was Wade, and he knew too much for his own good.  
"So Kim started down the path. She came to a fork in the road, and then a spoon, and then a knife-"

"Why was there a knife in the road?" Kasy asked.

"Someone's picnic basket?" Sheki wondered.

"It's a joke. See, when the road splits you call it a fork in the road, and-"

"You said there was a spoon and knife in the road."

"I'm sorry I said it. Anyway, the road went two ways, and Kim and Rufus didn't know which way to go. There was a cornfield with a pretty scarecrow named Bonnie who had a big pole up her-"

"SHEGO!"

"...up her dress." Shego shouted at the other room, "You don't trust me at all, do you?"

"You're already got me stealing shoes. You're capable of anything."

"It's not you. It's a girl who just happens to be named Dorothy Kim." Shego gave her daughters a wink. "Bonnie and Kim hated each other, which is why they decided to travel with each other to see Wade the Wizard, and-"

"I don't understand," Sheki objected.

"I didn't have a lot of time to plot this out ahead of time, okay? Now as I was saying. Bonnie and Kim didn't like each other and they-"

"I still don't like that," Sheki said firmly.

"Fine," Shego grumbled, "they got over it and became BFF – best friends forever – and-"

"Hey, I thought I was Kim's best friend," Ron protested from the doorway – causing the twins to jump at the surprise.

"When did you get here?" Shego demanded.

"I think I arrived about the fork in the road."

"Could you please slam a door or something when you get home? This silent like a ninja thing is creeping the girls out. Okay, where was I... Dorothy Kim put Scarecrow Bonnie on her list of best friends forever. Kim was a very popular young woman with lots of best friends. Anyway the two of them went walking down the yellow brick road and after a few miles they saw a blue girl holding an axe. They were going to ask directions, but she didn't move at all and they thought she was a statue, then Rufus-"

"Rufus is in this?" Ron asked.

"He's Kim's naked mole rat," Sheki explained.

"Rufus noticed that the power cord plugged into her back wasn't connected to an outlet in the cottage, so he plugged her in. 'Thank you,' Bego – for that was the Tin Wood's Girl name - said to Rufus.  
"'My goodnes,' said Kim, 'do you always have to be on an extension cord? You can't go very far like that.'  
"'I can run a long time on batteries,' she told them, 'but my charge was low and I didn't realize I'd pulled the plug out of the socket.'  
"'Come with us and Wade the Wizard will fix it so you never need an extension cord again,' Kim promised. I think that was very presumptuous of Dorothy Kim, don't you?"

"Yes," Sheki agreed.

"What does prescrumptious mean?" Kasy whispered.

"I think it means doing something you're not supposed to do."

"Aren't we supposed to help other people?" Kasy asked Shego.

"Yes," Kim called from the other room.

"Yeah, but can you volunteer someone you haven't even met to help someone else?"

"You're impossible."

"No, I'm a realist." She turned back to the girls, "So the three of them were walking down—"

"Four," Sheki corrected her. "There were four."

"Dorothy Kim, Scarecrow Bonnie, and Tin Bego. That's three."

"You forgot Rufus."

"He wasn't walking. He was asleep in the basket Kim was carrying."

"She didn't have a basket," Kasy reminded her.

Rather than arguing that she had simply forgotten to mention the basket the pale woman told them, "She stole it somewhere. Anyway, the four of them went into the woods and-"

"You said three," Kasy interrupted.

"She said three were walking. Rufus was still there," Sheki pointed out.

"Kim doesn't steal," Ron objected.

"It's not Kim," Shego argued. "Geez, it's a character in a story who just happened to be named Dorothy Kim. Next thing I know you're going to think you're the dancing bear just because he was named Ron."

"Eemah! It was a cowardly lion!"

"No. Ron had wanted to be a lion because they were brave. He was afraid of everything and spent all his time running. Then one day he went to see the great and powerful witch of the South-Southeast named Amy Hall. She knew how to turn people into animals and make beautiful little princesses. Ron didn't want to be a beautiful princess, he wanted to be a lion – because he thought that would make him brave. But she turned him into a dancing bear instead and he was very sad. Do you know why?"

"'Cause he wanted to be a lion?" Kasy guessed. Sheki nodded agreement.

"Well, that's true," Shego told them. "But he wanted to be a lion because he wanted to be brave, and he was still afraid of everything. So he wasn't a lion. He was still afraid. And even though he was a dancing bear he danced very badly."

"Hey," Ron protested. "a little help here, KP. I stood up for you when you stole the picnic basket."

"You know I love you like a brother, Ron," Kim called back. "Heck, you know I love you more than I love my brothers. We share a single soul, but I have to tell the truth, you dance lousy – almost as bad as Shego."

"This is my story," Shego called, "and I'm telling it the way I want. And the wicked witch is a great dancer."

"I thought this was just a story and we weren't in it," Ron reminded her.

"Sure," Shego snorted, "like you believed that for one minute."

Shego glanced at the clock, "Too much talking. We need to finish this so little princesses can get their sleep. Kim, Bonnie, Bego, and Ron the Dancing Bear arrived in the Emerald City where they were given green glasses to wear, and were told by Wade the Wizard that they needed to steal the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West. Sometimes people who think God speaks only to them can be the biggest pains in the rear in the world."

Kim had finished folding laundry and stood with Ron in the hall outside the twin's bedroom. "She's doing a lot of editorializing, isn't she?" she whispered. Ron nodded.

Ron missed a transition during Kim's comment. Inside the bedroom the story had progressed to, "… her servant, the King of the Winged Monkeys. His name was King Drakken and the witch told him to—"

"I thought you worked for Drakken," Ron interrupted.

"The King of the Flying Monkeys was silly," Shego explained to her daughters, "because he thought the witch worked for him. I'm sure even Scarecrow Bonnie had enough brains to know the witch called the shots."

"Who was she shooting?" Sheki wanted to know.

"Called the shots is an expression that doesn't really mean what it says. It's like Mommy or I tell you 'Time for bed' and you two think it means see how slow you can move and then demand a story. 'Call the shots' means tell other people what to do."

"So do you or Mommy call shots?" Kasy asked.

"Now you're just trying to start a fight to stay up longer. I'm going to finish this story. Anyway, the flying monkeys captured Kim and brought her to the witch's home. The witch asked very nicely once again for her sister's shoes, and Kim still wouldn't give them to her. So the witch treated Kim very nicely hoping to change her mind, but Kim cooked a meal for the witch and tried to poison her."

"My cooking isn't that bad," Kim shouted.

"The witch wasn't green until Kim cooked for her," Shego told her daughters.

"Really?" Sheki asked, the worry evident in her voice.

"No," Shego admitted. "But it's funny to say."

"No it's not," Kim insisted.

Shego ignored her. "Where was I… Oh, yeah… The Scarecrow, Tin Woodsgirl, and Dancing Bear went back to tell Wade the Wizard that they lost Dorothy and didn't get the broom. That's okay, 'cause he was really a humbug and couldn't have helped them anyway. And since the Scarecrow had no brain she fell in love with the Dancing Bear. And because the bear had no courage he waited until the Scarecrow was getting on a plane to move to California before he admitted that he loved her. But the Tin Woodsgirl proved she really had a heart by being accepted at a college in Boston. So—"

"How does college in Boston prove she has a heart?" Kasy wanted to know.

"Because going to Boston is romantic," Shego explained. "A lot more romantic than Middleton."

"But you said it proves she has a heart. Does Bego have a heart?"

"Well, Bego… See, Squid, it's like this. Words can sometimes mean more than one thing. "One heart," she pointed to her chest, "is inside us and pumps blood. Bego doesn't have that. But we also use heart to mean emotions and love. So if we use heart that way Bego has a great big one, and Boston is a romantic place… Heart can mean courage and really working hard too. There's a song, 'You Got to Have Heart' in the musical Damn Yankess, and—"

"Darn Yankees," Kim called from the doorway. "Darn Yankees."

"The name of the play is Damn Yankees," Shego told her firmly. "They won't change the name just for you." She turned back to the two little girls. "Let's finish this up. Kim stayed with the Wicked Witch and the two of them lived happily ever after. The witch even became a little less wicked and went to law school – because if Kim was going to keep dropping houses on people and stealing shoes and baskets she was going to get into big trouble some day and the beautiful witch wanted to help her out. The End. Now, give mommy and Eemah big hugs and kisses and see who can fall asleep first."

Kim came into the room for the nightly ritual. Shego turned off the light and closed the door of the bedroom and the three adults headed downstairs.

"I don't dance that bad," Ron protested softly as they went down the stairs.

"Hey, that was all she did to you," Kim grumbled, "she made me drop a house on someone, then I was a thief and attempted poisoner." She looked at the older woman, "Next time I tell them a story… You are in so much trouble."

-The End-


	2. Revenge, a Dish Best Served with Cookies

Disclaimer: Disney owns Kim Possible.

**Revenge Is a Dish Best Served with Cookies**

Kim and Shego stood in the doorway and listened as Ron read from The House at Pooh Corner to Kasy and Sheki. Shego had an arm around Kim, and the younger woman rested her head on the older woman's shoulder.

"He really does a great job with the voices, doesn't he?" Shego whispered.

"He'll make a great daddy," Kim responded.

"I'm trying to read here," Ron called over his shoulder, "a little more respect for the story guy and less chatter in the outfield."

"He's doing Piglet," Sheki explained.

"My fans are very demanding," he told Kim and Shego, and went back into Piglet voice as the two little girls giggled their appreciation.

At the end of the story the twins bestowed goodnight kisses on the adults. On their way downstairs Kim asked Shego, "How was your day?"

"Trust me, Pumpkin, you don't want to know about my day in law school. Ron, you got anything?"

"I think a blond was flirting with me in the library."

"But you thought of Bonnie and didn't respond, right?" Kim commented.

"Nothing definite with him and Bonnie," Shego reminded Kim, "and she's in California. He's not on a collar-and-leash. He can flirt if he wants."

"Ron wouldn't," Kim said loyally. "Did you?" she asked him.

He changed the subject, "How are things at Global Justice?"

"I didn't do... Hey, Will had a great story about Monique. I'll make tea and we'll talk in the living room."

"I'll, uh, make tea," Ron offered.

"I can so boil water," Kim protested.

"He didn't say you couldn't," Shego told her in a soothing voice. "That one unfortunate incident was an accident, a fluke which could never happen again in a million years. It wasn't your fault... But let Ron make the tea."

"It's just boiling water and tea bags," Kim grumbled. "No permanent injury to anyone."

Ten minutes later Ron came into the living room with steaming mugs of tea and a bag of Milano cookies (which was kept carefully hidden from small children) on a tray. He sat the tray on the coffee table, took a mug and cookie and sat on the chair. Kim and Shego, sitting on the couch, took their own refreshments and Kim began the story of Monique and Will's weekend at a bed and breakfast in the White Mountains.

"He worships her, doesn't he," Shego chuckled at the end of the story.

"Was that in their wedding vows somewhere?" Ron asked. "Spousal duty or something?"

"Will should worship her," Kim insisted. "Getting someone as wonderful as Monique to marry a boring guy like him?"

Shego turned to Ron, "Getting back to your spousal duty thing, I certainly don't feel worshiped."

"I think that falls under the category of false gods," Kim told her.

"See the abuse I put up with?" Shego asked Ron.

"The abuse you put up with?" Kim retorted. "The abuse you put up with? What about the Oz story you told the girls a couple weeks ago - with me as a thief?"

"I thought it was pretty funny," Ron chuckled.

"So did I," Kim admitted, "but that's not the point."

"Think I'm missing the point."

"The point is, when your spouse does that to you, you don't have to do the worship thing."

"Can you find that in our wedding vows?" Shego asked.

"I don't speak Hebrew," Kim reminded, "but I'm sure it's there. Maybe I'll get a real lawyer to check."

"Burn," Ron laughed. He turned to Kim, "I'm surprised you haven't done the revenge thing for the story. You said you would."

"I'm above such behavior," Kim announced in an elegant manner.

"I'll bet she couldn't think of one," Shego told Ron.

"Probably," Ron agreed.

"Yeah," Kim sighed.

Shego turned serious, "What's the problem?"

"Couldn't get an idea I liked. Red Riding Hood with you as the wolf, but the wolf gets killed at the end - the girls wouldn't like that."

"And I appreciate that," Shego commented. "Did you consider Red and the wolf shacking up? Lot of potential there for 'My what big' references in that story."

"A, inappropriate for three-year olds. And B, I think it's a life lesson about being afraid of strangers."

"Kim's right," Ron seconded.

"Yeah, I guess so," Shego conceded. "What I was thinking was more of an adult fairy tale."

"I gave up on Possible, Kim Possible too. I could make it with a G rating, but the twins wouldn't know it was a parody of James Bond. You'd have been a Bond girl."

"Hey, I don't do bondage. You know that."

"Not bondage," Ron started to explain. "See, in a lot of the movies there's–"

"I know, Ron," Shego told him. "Private joke between Kim and me."

"What does it... Never mind."

"I just couldn't come up with a good story with two strong female characters to twist," Kim admitted. "Wish I'd watched more bad television - Xenia and Buffy. But Kasy and Sheki wouldn't know those."

"Any Disney stuff?" Ron suggested.

"Think about it, Ron," Kim replied. "Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, the Little Mermaid – they're all waiting for their Prince Charming. Their lives are incomplete until a handsome nobleman sweeps them off their feet. Jasmine is already a princess, but needs Aladdin. Mulan and Pocahontas get handsome commoners. Who is that girl in the frog movie?"

"Tiana."

"Her... Was he a real Prince or not."

"Disney is not the solution," Shego intoned in a solemn voice. "Disney is the problem. Let's not limit it to Disney though. Look at all the movies, novels, and fairy tales. Strong women aren't allowed. The female character, even if she is the protagonist will–"

"The pro-what?" Ron interrupted.

"Protagonist, the main character in the story - like Snow White, Mulan, and those other Disney chicks. They may be the main character. Some of them have smarts or courage – but their life is not complete until Prince Charming arrives. Then they spend the rest of their lives devoted to him. Guy protagonists don't have to get married. They can stay single, have more adventures, screw other women in the next movie if they–"

"Shego," Kim hissed, "language."

"The kids aren't listening. And I could be much more vulgar. Anyway, the point is there's a conspiracy by the patriarchy. Keep repeating the subliminal barrage in every Disney flick and fairy tale – the message to girls: 'Your life isn't complete until you get married to some guy'."

Ron wasn't sure that was true, but decided, as the proud owner of a Y-chromosome, his opinion wouldn't count for much in the discussion and decided to say nothing.

"It's not that bad," Kim protested. "I grew up on Disney."

"Yeah, and you blush when I use the word screw. I swear, if they had some series with a girl who was smart, independent, brave, and adventurous they'd probably hook her up with some schmuck at the end of the series just to show that brains and talent mean nothing to a girl unless she can get some guy to fawn all over."

Kim smiled, "They should do one where she ends up with another girl."

"Hell, even if the writers wanted to do it the studio wouldn't let them."

"Hey, I have an idea," Ron interjected. "Kim was willing to change herself to a guy for a James Bond parody, she–"

"I wasn't turning myself to a guy," Kim explained, "I was a woman – Possible, Kim Possible."

"Oh, well, anyway, I was thinking you could still do one of the Disney movies for a bedtime story with the girls. Only instead of Kim Red being awakened by a kiss from Prince Charming, she gets awakened by a kiss from Princess Shego."

"That's an idea," Shego laughed.

"No way," Kim told him.

"Why–"

"She had me as a thief in her story remember? I dropped a house on Zita and stole things. She was the wicked witch and she was the nicest person in the story."

"Well," Shego shrugged and suddenly lunged against Kim, who sat beside her on the couch. Kim fell to the side, with the pale woman on top of her. "We could go back to, 'What big beautiful eyes you have.' 'The better to see you with.' And 'My what luscious lips you have'," Shego purred with a throaty whisper, leaning closer to Kim to kiss her.

Kim put her hand on Shego's shoulder and pushed her away, gently but firmly, and then sat up. "Still need to work out some of the details, but Aladdin might work. I can be the noble princess Jasmine." She looked over at Shego, "And you're a natural for a street rat."

"She was naive and needed him to save her ass," Shego pointed out, then leered, "and you've got a very nice ass."

"Street rat," Kim repeated, but leaned slightly toward Shego.

"Naive," Shego repeated, leaning towards Kim.

"Street rat," leaning closer.

"Naive," their lips almost touching.

Kim might have said, "Street rat" again. Ron couldn't tell. The redhead's tongue was not in her own mouth at the moment. He sighed and took another Milano cookie. While not positive he suspected this was not a story appropriate for three-year olds.

Ron finished the cookie before the kiss ended. "Well, uh, I guess I'll... uh, go up to bed."

Shego and Kim ended their clinch, laughing. "We were only doing that to embarrass you," Kim giggled.

"Speak for yourself," Shego snorted. "I happen to like kissing you."

"And I love you too," Kim said, patting her on the cheek, "but I think we were seeing how long we could go before Ron said anything."

"Yeah, that too," Shego agreed. "So, you'll do Aladdin?"

"I don't know. I'm not wild about it, but I'm having trouble. Velma and Daphne from Scooby-Doo? I mean, neither one is really very bright when they keep falling for fake monsters and ghosts. Comic books? Veronica Lodge has a streak of evil and Betty Cooper is a good girl - but what do they do? They fight over a guy."

"How about..." Ron started to suggest. "Never mind."

"What's wrong?" Shego asked.

"Trying to think of super heroines, but seems like they've all got boobs like volleyballs now and wearing outfits too small and tight. Not appropriate for the twins."

"Bet you had fun doing the research," Shego chuckled.

"Hey, I was at Jim and Tim's apartment. I don't... Shrek!"

"Shrek?" Kim asked puzzled. "Which one of us is the ogre?"

"Okay, not Shrek Shrek, but Shrek as nasty repulsive guy until he falls in love and wants to make her happy. Hey, Monique made Will almost human."

"Redemptive power of love," Shego nodded. "Lot of stories like that. Even Mr. Darcy had problems until Elizabeth cured him."

Ron began, "I was watching a movie once on TCM instead of doing homework and–"

"Just once?" Kim asked.

"Okay, a lot. But once there was this movie, Mr. Lucky, with Cary Grant and... someone... and–"

"Someone?" Shego asked.

"I'm almost sure it wasn't Myrna Loy. Anyway, he was a petty crook, but after he fell in love with her he got his life together."

"I like the idea," Kim said.

"I was no petty crook," Shego growled.

"I may not do the movie. But I like the idea." Kim winked at her partner, "Any chance I'll get lucky tonight?"

Ron sighed, _"Not a story for three-year olds."_


End file.
